Faithful Instincts

When the wine ran out, the mother of Jesus said to him,
“They have no wine.”
John 2:3

When the wine runs out, what do we do? Panic? Problem-solve? Pray?

My emotional default for life's wine shortages is to act in a state of worry. Panic. Plan. Get it done. Early March, layoff threats were published in the New York Times and shared around our school. Two hours later I submitted an application to graduate school. In November, people were over and drinks were running low. I asked close to 10 people to run out for more. And some time last summer, the electricity went out and I found myself without candles, flashlights or the brain function to breathe. I packed a small bag, left the apartment and jammed the airwaves with texts, calls and voice messages of panic to three close friends... In the end, everything was fine. The layoffs didn't happen, there was plenty for everyone to drink and I crashed at a friend's house.

On a good day, I amuse myself and refer to all of it as Being Prepared. But I know the truth and the truth is that I spend a lot of energy actively fighting against all my natural instincts to worry in order to stay cool and be flexible. Because when I don't it isn't good for anyone. It is a legitimate threat. Like the Phoenix in Jean Grey. That is right. My worries are an immense cosmic power.

Or they are like the Fruit Loops in this photo.

A worrieruption.

Perhaps it is a side effect of teacheritis, a self-diagnosed but likely widely shared disease among educators who make the plan, love the plan and live the plan... and know how difficult it is when things don't go according to the plan. Perhaps it is part of the nature of being a first child, seeking perfection and wanting to please those around me. In any case, there is something deeply wrong with the worry in me. Generally speaking, to be wrong is to be out of line with what is right or good. As human nature is naturally out of line with what is right or good it makes sense to me, then, that my natural reaction to worry is likewise a wrong, not good one. In First Grade when we discover that something is wrong, we explain why it is wrong and figure out what is right. I have worried enough about worrying and the explanation as to what is deeply wrong seems perfectly plain: I struggle with deep idols of control and acceptance.

Wrongness identified. Rightness, then?

This I believe: The first step to finding what is right
is finding hope in what is right.

I have found my hope. Jesus changing water to wine is my hope. More specifically, the mother of Jesus preceding the miracle gives me hope. One day, instead of having worry I will have faith. Mary was a woman of tremendous faith. Her simple reaction to the wine shortage at the wedding in Cana gives me hope against worries to come. Without hesitation, she immediately goes to Jesus. "They have no wine." With missions, school and life coming up, Mary is an inspiration to keep at heart and an example to follow. The depths of her faith as well as the strength of its foundation are things that I can only aspire to have when the unexpected inevitably occurs. Like a tree with deep roots that survives a violent storm, when my faith is rooted in Him I know I can weather it all. Like Mary, I hope to be a woman who is strong in her faith, knows who her Savior is and knows exactly what to do when the wine runs out.




Pictures:
Cereal explosion