Clash of Clans Is A Terrible Game!

A huge part of my job is to write. I write in each genre of writing- narrative, informational, and opinion- to learn about myself as a writer, to learn about the writing process for my students and my teachers, and to learn about the qualities of the different genres of writing. All of this is done to inform and support my instruction of writing. Is it fun? Sometimes. Is it easy? Depends on the genre... No, wait, it's really hard. Is it worth it? YES.

Over the weekend, I worked on my persuasive writing. I really struggled with coming up with a topic. I have strong opinions but I found it hard to write about them. I have strong opinions about where Dan should put his !@#$% socks, for example, but that topic didn't feel like "the one". And then... it hit me. Like a ton of bricks a wall breaker would explode. Like the huge fist of a giant knocking me over. Like the wand of a wizard stunning and paralyzing me. 

...  I HATE that I know so much about this.

This persuasive essay draft is dedicated to all the fools who are addicted to Clash of Clans. This is intended to entertain, not insult, and should not be taken seriously in the least (unless you are my husband). All rebuttals are welcome and should be directed to clashofclansisdumb@nobutitreallyis.com.

Clash of Clans is a terrible game.

            Do you have friends that play a game called Clash of Clans? Have you ever sat across from your friend but they were on their phone the whole time? Does this bother you at all? Don’t you wish you could spend quality time with a person instead of watching them play on their phone? If your answer to any of these questions is ‘YES!’ then we can agree that Clash of Clans is a terrible game. It keeps you on your phone all day, it doesn’t teach you anything that you need in real life, and most unfortunately, it makes you miss things that happen in real life.

Clash of Clans is a terrible game because it keeps you on your phone all day. In this game, you have to wait and watch how your village grows. It takes 1-6 days depending on your level and the amount of money you have. Because the game makes you wait, people watch their phones to see how their village is growing. It also keeps you on your phone by letting you look at other people’s villages. You and your village are part of a clan- that is a group of people working together. Many times I have seen Dan (my husband) looking at his fellow clan members’ villages for hours. He doesn’t even play or do anything but check out other villages. He does this for hours and hours every day!

Another reason Clash of Clans is a terrible game is because it doesn’t teach you any real life skills. In games like Connect 4 or chess, you learn how to strategize and think about your opponent. In math games like Multiplication Top-it, you practice your math skills. Also, in games like soccer, football, and baseball, you learn important life skills like teamwork, communication, and working hard even when things are tough. However, in Clash of Clans, you don’t learn any truly important life skills. Some people argue that you strategize where and when to release certain creatures like wall breakers, giants, and wizards in order to win the battle you are in. But I disagree that this builds any strategy skills because people can select who they battle. Clash of Clans players can actually select players who are at a lower level than they are to guarantee that they win, which doesn’t reflect real life at all.

Finally, the last but most important reason why Clash of Clans is a terrible game is that it makes you miss things that happen in real life. When you spend your time looking at your clan all day, you miss opportunities in the real world. When you spend your time battling with other players for elixirs and gold coins just so you can spend them on more giants and wall breakers, you go in circles and don’t really get anywhere! You could better spend your time reading a book, doing some exercise, or enjoying a lovely meal. In real life, you are always learning and moving and growing as a person. In Clash of Clans, you aren't.

One time I was eating breakfast with Dan. I remember feeling excited to have time alone with him because I had something very important to talk about. But it was really hard for me to get his attention! His eyes couldn’t be drawn away from his phone! I remember thinking, “Wow. So this is what it's like to eat in a public restaurant alone." It was incredibly frustrating and sad to see Dan miss out on a real-life opportunity to have a conversation with his wife. *

Clash of Clans is truly a terrible, useless, and unproductive game. Not only does it keep you on your phone all day, but it also fails to teach you skills you need in real life and causes you to miss the real moments happening all around you. If you are addicted to playing Clash of Clans, I plead with you to change your ways. Stop creating villages on your phone. Instead, create real things with other people. Stop chatting with your clan members on your phone. Instead, have real conversations with real people. Stop building your village and taking resources from other villages. Instead, build your character and learn lessons from those around you. Stop clanning now.

* Retracted for inaccuracy.

The Truth About

I recently watched Food Inc. Here is my three-word reflection: regretful but educated. The glass-half-empty version is “educated but regretful”, but I’m feeling positive today. (Probably the wine.) My best friend encouraged me to watch this documentary about the truth regarding food production in the US. While I commend its efforts to unveil the truth, I also completely resent it. If this documentary is accurate, then the truth about our food deeply saddens and disgusts me. For example, it’s really, really rare to get good, quality meat that comes from good, quality farms where animals live and grow in good, quality conditions. Therefore, a lot of our meat falls under a larger umbrella of “mystery meat” or “crappy animal conditions meat” and to take a stand against this we should speak with our dollars by not consuming these products. But being lazy and hungry, as eye-opening as this amazing documentary was, it wasn’t enough to make me less lazy and less hungry. I still bought and consumed sausages and ground turkey meat this week. Only now it was with an educated, disgusted, and resentful mind. The truth about food is gross. And even when you buy organic food that seems less gross, a truly responsible consumer should make an effort to find out whether or not that green “organic” label actually means what it says. So actually the real truth about food is, until proven wrong, all of it is gross. Most likely. Maybe. Probably. (I guess I’m not feeling that positive today.)

Earlier this evening I was doing work with "The Vow" playing in the background. Of course, "background" really means I closed my laptop to give my full and undivided attention to yet another predictable and shallow date movie. Porque? Porque Rachel McAdams has a pretty face and perfect hair. Porque Channing Tatum is hot, even though he has yet to show any real talent other than being handsome and physically fit. (True fans know of his other talent: floppy hip hop dancing.) In this movie, a newlywed wife wakes up from a coma with amnesia and her husband spends the next hour and a half “loving her back to herself”. The storyline screams of K-drama origins but it was actually based on a true story. The movie tries very hard but is overall very light and painless. For such a scary and sad storyline, this smiley chick flick is most likely the exact opposite of what I imagine the true story to be. More lies. (Loved it, though, and would watch it again.)

At community group this week a few friends shared their experiences with reality TV production and revealed this truth: drama sells, it costs too much to just film and cross your fingers for good drama, so it all comes down to plotting, planning, and producing. I say “revealed” but I was the only one at the table with my mouth open. (No- HOW much of The Real Housewives is scripted? Wait- HGTV, too!? Stop. I have to go home. See you at church. I hate you.) Needless to say and to no one’s surprise, the moment producers cracked the code to reality shows was the moment “reality” stopped being reality. The plain and obvious truth is yet another lie.

There is one truth that cannot be busted or broken. Jesus, son of God, came to us as a man, died on the cross, and rose again. All for love. This truth is my truth, onto which I hold firmly and for dear life. In a world where TV, movies, and even my food fool me all the live long day, I can still sleep well despite my consumption of lies because my truth will never change: Jesus is the one, true God. A lamp unto my feet. A light unto my path. A firm rock upon which I stand.

Dear New York City,

I miss you, New York. You hold my dearest family and friends, people that have loved me and forever shaped my life. It was nice to see you this winter. Way to keep Totto Ramen as delicious as always and the subways as smelly as ever. Though we didn’t speak of it when I left, I suspect the snow, cold, and wind chills were for the benefit of all your visitors. No, we visitors will never forget you. Not now, not ever. I miss you. This is and will always be a given, something especially important to note before you hear what I am about to say.

Los Angeles is fantastic. Once a passionate hater I have definitely had a change of heart. The weather is sunny and perfect. The cost of living is sanity-restoring compared to the concrete jungle. And the pace is calmer and less anxious. Being quite the opposite of ‘calm and less anxious’, one can only hope it might rub off on me.

Like a good and true friend, I know you will only be happy for me. My time adjusting here- my time away from you- has been difficult, tearful, and at times unbearable. The Enemy and his purple minions certainly worked hard to keep my spirits down. I admit many times I fell into his trap, transforming into a self-pitying, angry, and overall pathetic person. But the Good Lord is always victorious, reaching out through His Word, my husband, sister, and dear, dear friends. Smile with me, good friend. Peace and joy are winning.

 

I hope to return to you with more testimonies to share, and expect nothing less from my loved ones there. God is with you and doing great things.

Love,

Hope

When my kids found out we weren’t having any kind of celebration in school for my birthday, they were pretty confused. “So what are we doing for your birthday?” Nothing. “Why? But it’s a birthday! Why?? AWWW!!!” In the short three weeks of school, we have already celebrated four birthdays in my Kindergarten classroom. They’ve had cupcakes, cookies, and popsicles… and most of these little guys didn’t even eat touch their treats. So “aw!” you say but there ain’t no way that I’m giving you more sugar to throw away…

Plus, I forgot.

As part of the birthday celebration, I call the birthday kid up and ask them to share any goals they have for this year. Do you have any new goals or ideas now that you’re five/six years old? Yesterday, adorable, little Mr. J said “Now that I’m six, I think I really want to have the Jedi defender class cruiser. I think it’ll be really fun and since I’m six now I’ll really do it well.” (Had to ask him to repeat that almost four times. Then I had to look it up. Lego, you are robbers disguised as toy-makers. Shame on you!)

It’s interesting to imagine what goals or hopes I had when I was a kid. Much like adorable, little Mr. J, I mostly treasured things and stuff. Now that I’m old, though, now that I know better… 

There’s a Tim Keller sermon podcast called "Born into Hope" that has truly blessed me this week. Like most of his sermons, this one is poignant and rich with metaphors, illustrations, and the Word. Challenge and encouragement drip from each and every word in this sermon like water from a leaky faucet. Or perhaps a Living faucet? Actually, it drips more like the sweat drips from those of us in LA who endure this heat wave without A/C. Drip, drip, drip.

Two points in the sermon have been on my mind. One is that life only has meaning if we have a hope and a meaning that suffering and even death cannot destroy. [Keller goes on to explain] The foundation of your personality is your hope. Ultimately the hope of your heart completely determines how you handle your 'now'. The other point is that "sorrow kicks on the joy like the cold kicks on the heat." When you are born into hope that is living and therefore above any circumstance you find yourself in, your sorrow can actually drive you into your joy. Into your living hope, which is Christ. I suspect these points will continue to 'show up' in my prayers and quiet times. God does a lot of redirecting and reteaching with me. To say 'It takes me a while' is just lying. I have this amazing gift of forgetting anything and everything important. It's great these points are written here and now immortalized on this super secure vault of thoughts, a vault wisely named ‘things’.  

Moving to LA has been much lonelier and therefore more sorrowful than I ever could have imagined. Seems like a dramatic thing to say, I know, which just goes to show how self-centered I’ve become in my short-but-feels-long time in Lonely World I mean Los Angeles. I have allowed myself to be completely and constantly sad. And I have forgotten that this was an adventure Dan and I were both called to take. That I wasn’t dragged here against my will but that I signed up for it willingly and with excitement. This sermon has been both a kick in the pants and a loving hug. When I ask myself Where or in what do you put your hope? there are two honest answers. One reveals my sin and the other reveals my Savior. I can only hope, and my husband and I can only pray, that one begins to consume the other. That this incredible sadness from being so far from my sister and my dear friends will soon be obsolete. For as much as I treasure and love them… there is something greater still. Though I didn’t share it with my students, I, too, have a goal “now that I’m six”.  In all occasions of sorrow, joy, loneliness, and company, my goal is to live by the living and indestructible hope I have in Christ.

For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.  
Luke 12:34

Driving Miss Minnie

“Don’t forget to repark the car!” This my husband calls out to me as he leaves the house to be a productive American. Little does he know of the inner meltdown I experience at the mention of this small task: move my car from one side of the road to the other. It’s like my brain is sweating. Or on fire. Or crying. That must be it. My brain is crying.

Our road is quiet. An average of 1-3 cars pass our road every two hours. Piece of cake. I complete my K-turn flawlessly only to realize that I K-turned too soon. It’s ok-turn. Just back up a few yards to get into the spot you want… GO AWAY, CAR BEHIND ME. WHERE DID YOU COME FROM? I wonder for a second if apparition is real…

No. Only in England.

… Long story short, I survived. I drove around the block, reparked my AUBS*, and avoided a ticket. Success. Now I want to go to Trader Joe’s.

As they say in the movie Spanglish, “gulp.”

Yesterday I drove to a nearby mall. It was an easy drive, some of you might say. No major highways or big roads. Just three turns and you're there. It was fine. I just needed to walk around for 20 minutes to calm myself down. There was a moment when I truly didn’t know how I was going to get home. I also set off my car alarm but didn't recognize that it was mine. Note to self: your car hates you. By some miracle, the Lord brought me home safely yesterday and I pray that he will do it again today. Because today… I need to go to Trader Joe’s. Dan needs milk and I need wine. If I don’t go to Trader Joe’s today, I will become that old lady who only knows how to go to the post office and the grocery store. In my case, not even that. I will be the old lady who only knows how to go around the block.

Dan says prayer and practice will eventually make the fear go away. So Lord, I pray for the spirit of Joshua, the wisdom of Solomon, and the peace of Jesus. Also, may I turn off my left blinker this time instead of driving with it on for almost 1 mile. And may all those other drivers be in good moods today. Amen.

Prize for safe driving?

* AUBS: Awesome Ugly-Blue Saturn

City Mouse and Country Mouse

Nobody would actually consider moving from New York City to Los Angeles as moving from the city to the country. But when you’ve been living in cities for so long and depended on public transportation for so long, you start to believe that ‘city’ is NYC and ‘country’ is everywhere else in the US.

Birds. When you hear different kinds of birds – not just pigeons – it’s because you’re in the country. So far I have seen little birds, big birds, and crows.

Greetings. When people say hi to you with open and friendly dispositions… it’s because you’re in the country. “Hello! How are you today?” says the friendly man who collected my garbage yesterday… HIDE YO WIFE, HIDE YO KIDS. I almost ran to the door to make sure it was locked. WHY does he need to say hi. Peace be with you and everything… but don’t say hi to me.

Trunks. When you can shop for food and dump it in the trunk of your car, not worrying anymore about the weight or size of your items because you no longer have to carry it home, it’s because you’re in the country. Unless you are a lucky city folker who owns a car.

Space. When you take more than ten steps to get to another room, it’s because you’re in the country. Small city spaces make for less cleaning, less storage and less walking. Bigger country spaces make for endless cleaning, cobwebs, and more furniture.

Bugs. When your bug sightings are limited to dust-like spiders and flies, and there hasn’t been a roach in sight… it’s because it’s only been two days.

Finally, when everything familiar is gone; when the sounds of cars, birds, doors, floors, and humans frighten you; when you wonder when you’ll see your sister or friends again… it’s because you’re in the country.

Weddings: The Things They Don't Tell Us In Movies

"Whoever said wedding planning was fun was a LIAR."

My engaged friend said this to me. I'll admit when I first heard her, I felt sorry that she wasn't enjoying herself. Then I realized that I was kidding myself if I thought I felt differently. Though wedding planning has had it's fun, rewarding moments especially for a control freak like myself... it's not really all that fun. The fairy tales and the movies have all lied to us, fellow naive people. Wedding planning is only fun if you've hired someone. Even then, I have no doubt that it's hard.

It's kind of like those 'fun' homework assignments the 'cool' teachers give you. Starts out fun but eventually you realize that the load isn't getting any lighter and you stopped having fun three projects ago. My outlook is a mix of bright and bleak. In the distance, I can see the bliss of The Day After. Everything is finished and Dan and I are on a plane. In front of me, Wedding Minutiae is taking me down. Never mind the big stuff like the dress, the flowers, the music, the program. There are a bajillion little things that are putting me over the edge. The never ever ever ending list of things to do. The chaos behind the scenes. The decisions upon decisions upon decisions... No one really talks about this side of weddings. 

But there's another side to weddings people don't talk about. Enter wonderful fiance, wonderful family, and wonderful friends. In the same way a good cup of coffee opens your eyes, kicks you in the butt, and comforts you all in the same sip, these people can snap me out of my pity party and help calm my ever-anxious soul.

These folks help shift my focus from the wedding to the marriage. And in that regard, I am very much enjoying planning for this marriage. Counseling sessions with my pastor, receiving insight from married people and my parents, and getting advice and encouragement from all of my friends have been the highlights of this experience. There is a library of things I have to learn and the hard truth is I am a pretty terrible student. But so far, what it really comes down to is this: 

When I look into that tunnel, I am failing to see God's abundant love and glory above all the minutiae. I am failing to see the Emmanuel of it all. 

He is right here.

God is with us.