Clash of Clans Is A Terrible Game!

A huge part of my job is to write. I write in each genre of writing- narrative, informational, and opinion- to learn about myself as a writer, to learn about the writing process for my students and my teachers, and to learn about the qualities of the different genres of writing. All of this is done to inform and support my instruction of writing. Is it fun? Sometimes. Is it easy? Depends on the genre... No, wait, it's really hard. Is it worth it? YES.

Over the weekend, I worked on my persuasive writing. I really struggled with coming up with a topic. I have strong opinions but I found it hard to write about them. I have strong opinions about where Dan should put his !@#$% socks, for example, but that topic didn't feel like "the one". And then... it hit me. Like a ton of bricks a wall breaker would explode. Like the huge fist of a giant knocking me over. Like the wand of a wizard stunning and paralyzing me. 

...  I HATE that I know so much about this.

This persuasive essay draft is dedicated to all the fools who are addicted to Clash of Clans. This is intended to entertain, not insult, and should not be taken seriously in the least (unless you are my husband). All rebuttals are welcome and should be directed to clashofclansisdumb@nobutitreallyis.com.

Clash of Clans is a terrible game.

            Do you have friends that play a game called Clash of Clans? Have you ever sat across from your friend but they were on their phone the whole time? Does this bother you at all? Don’t you wish you could spend quality time with a person instead of watching them play on their phone? If your answer to any of these questions is ‘YES!’ then we can agree that Clash of Clans is a terrible game. It keeps you on your phone all day, it doesn’t teach you anything that you need in real life, and most unfortunately, it makes you miss things that happen in real life.

Clash of Clans is a terrible game because it keeps you on your phone all day. In this game, you have to wait and watch how your village grows. It takes 1-6 days depending on your level and the amount of money you have. Because the game makes you wait, people watch their phones to see how their village is growing. It also keeps you on your phone by letting you look at other people’s villages. You and your village are part of a clan- that is a group of people working together. Many times I have seen Dan (my husband) looking at his fellow clan members’ villages for hours. He doesn’t even play or do anything but check out other villages. He does this for hours and hours every day!

Another reason Clash of Clans is a terrible game is because it doesn’t teach you any real life skills. In games like Connect 4 or chess, you learn how to strategize and think about your opponent. In math games like Multiplication Top-it, you practice your math skills. Also, in games like soccer, football, and baseball, you learn important life skills like teamwork, communication, and working hard even when things are tough. However, in Clash of Clans, you don’t learn any truly important life skills. Some people argue that you strategize where and when to release certain creatures like wall breakers, giants, and wizards in order to win the battle you are in. But I disagree that this builds any strategy skills because people can select who they battle. Clash of Clans players can actually select players who are at a lower level than they are to guarantee that they win, which doesn’t reflect real life at all.

Finally, the last but most important reason why Clash of Clans is a terrible game is that it makes you miss things that happen in real life. When you spend your time looking at your clan all day, you miss opportunities in the real world. When you spend your time battling with other players for elixirs and gold coins just so you can spend them on more giants and wall breakers, you go in circles and don’t really get anywhere! You could better spend your time reading a book, doing some exercise, or enjoying a lovely meal. In real life, you are always learning and moving and growing as a person. In Clash of Clans, you aren't.

One time I was eating breakfast with Dan. I remember feeling excited to have time alone with him because I had something very important to talk about. But it was really hard for me to get his attention! His eyes couldn’t be drawn away from his phone! I remember thinking, “Wow. So this is what it's like to eat in a public restaurant alone." It was incredibly frustrating and sad to see Dan miss out on a real-life opportunity to have a conversation with his wife. *

Clash of Clans is truly a terrible, useless, and unproductive game. Not only does it keep you on your phone all day, but it also fails to teach you skills you need in real life and causes you to miss the real moments happening all around you. If you are addicted to playing Clash of Clans, I plead with you to change your ways. Stop creating villages on your phone. Instead, create real things with other people. Stop chatting with your clan members on your phone. Instead, have real conversations with real people. Stop building your village and taking resources from other villages. Instead, build your character and learn lessons from those around you. Stop clanning now.

* Retracted for inaccuracy.