Driving Miss Minnie

“Don’t forget to repark the car!” This my husband calls out to me as he leaves the house to be a productive American. Little does he know of the inner meltdown I experience at the mention of this small task: move my car from one side of the road to the other. It’s like my brain is sweating. Or on fire. Or crying. That must be it. My brain is crying.

Our road is quiet. An average of 1-3 cars pass our road every two hours. Piece of cake. I complete my K-turn flawlessly only to realize that I K-turned too soon. It’s ok-turn. Just back up a few yards to get into the spot you want… GO AWAY, CAR BEHIND ME. WHERE DID YOU COME FROM? I wonder for a second if apparition is real…

No. Only in England.

… Long story short, I survived. I drove around the block, reparked my AUBS*, and avoided a ticket. Success. Now I want to go to Trader Joe’s.

As they say in the movie Spanglish, “gulp.”

Yesterday I drove to a nearby mall. It was an easy drive, some of you might say. No major highways or big roads. Just three turns and you're there. It was fine. I just needed to walk around for 20 minutes to calm myself down. There was a moment when I truly didn’t know how I was going to get home. I also set off my car alarm but didn't recognize that it was mine. Note to self: your car hates you. By some miracle, the Lord brought me home safely yesterday and I pray that he will do it again today. Because today… I need to go to Trader Joe’s. Dan needs milk and I need wine. If I don’t go to Trader Joe’s today, I will become that old lady who only knows how to go to the post office and the grocery store. In my case, not even that. I will be the old lady who only knows how to go around the block.

Dan says prayer and practice will eventually make the fear go away. So Lord, I pray for the spirit of Joshua, the wisdom of Solomon, and the peace of Jesus. Also, may I turn off my left blinker this time instead of driving with it on for almost 1 mile. And may all those other drivers be in good moods today. Amen.

Prize for safe driving?

* AUBS: Awesome Ugly-Blue Saturn

City Mouse and Country Mouse

Nobody would actually consider moving from New York City to Los Angeles as moving from the city to the country. But when you’ve been living in cities for so long and depended on public transportation for so long, you start to believe that ‘city’ is NYC and ‘country’ is everywhere else in the US.

Birds. When you hear different kinds of birds – not just pigeons – it’s because you’re in the country. So far I have seen little birds, big birds, and crows.

Greetings. When people say hi to you with open and friendly dispositions… it’s because you’re in the country. “Hello! How are you today?” says the friendly man who collected my garbage yesterday… HIDE YO WIFE, HIDE YO KIDS. I almost ran to the door to make sure it was locked. WHY does he need to say hi. Peace be with you and everything… but don’t say hi to me.

Trunks. When you can shop for food and dump it in the trunk of your car, not worrying anymore about the weight or size of your items because you no longer have to carry it home, it’s because you’re in the country. Unless you are a lucky city folker who owns a car.

Space. When you take more than ten steps to get to another room, it’s because you’re in the country. Small city spaces make for less cleaning, less storage and less walking. Bigger country spaces make for endless cleaning, cobwebs, and more furniture.

Bugs. When your bug sightings are limited to dust-like spiders and flies, and there hasn’t been a roach in sight… it’s because it’s only been two days.

Finally, when everything familiar is gone; when the sounds of cars, birds, doors, floors, and humans frighten you; when you wonder when you’ll see your sister or friends again… it’s because you’re in the country.